Back at college, I remember walking up to my friend Mike’s house on Halloween and seeing him frantically painting bright, red briefs onto a pair of nice blue jeans. He was really going at it, too — slapping the wet brush all over the crotch  and pockets, wagging his tongue out like a dog.

Of course, an hour later he showed up to the party as Superman. And though he didn’t leap any tall buildings in a single bound he did manage to drink most of the punch bowl faster than a speeding bullet.

More importantly, his last minute Halloween costume got us all laughing. Some of the best ones do that:

• Professional baseball player. This is where you dig through your closet and peel out that old sweat-smelling jersey and orange foam hat from little league. Throw on your baseball glove and paint some thick black lines under your eyes and you’re good to go.

• Sandwich. My friend Brian once slapped a piece of bread on his chest and another on his back and went as a sandwich. You’ve heard of a quarter pounder, right? Well this was a two-hundred pounder.

• Vending Machine. Here’s where you duct tape little bags of chips and chocolate bars all over your body. If your party’s working properly, they’ll be ripped off you within ten minutes of getting there.

• The random closet mish-mash with a funny name. You’ve got a purple tie, dark shades, and leather pants so you go as a Club-Going Comedian With A Black Eye. You’ve got a bridesmaid dress, oven mitts, and a tiara, so you go as Lounge Singer Baking Cookies For A Bachelorette Party. You get the idea.

• Jabba The Hutt. Time to laze around on the couch in a green sleeping bag.

• A Road. Simply rip off a long strip of masking tape and stick it up your stomach and down your back. For bonus points, add a couple dinky cars to your shirt. Watch out for speed bump jokes.

• A Terrible Record Collection. My friend Alec once bought a milk crate of old records for a quarter from a garage sale. They were in horrible condition, but the price was right so he took them home. For Halloween he safety-pinned most of them on himself and went as A Terrible Record Collection. It was a good laugh, but since he couldn’t really move he ending up spending most of the party whisper-singing Monster Mash to himself on a futon.

• Grapes. Boy, if you’ve got some purple or green balloons laying around, have we got a costume for you.

• Yourself. This is where you arrive at the party completely unprepared, but rather than fess up you just tell people you’re going as yourself this year. Then whenever someone says “But that’s not a costume,” you say “Maybe it is…” and give them a really exaggerated wink.

• Stuff From My trunk. Okay, back to Superman Mike. Last year he wore an enormous tarp around his neck like a cape and wrapped himself in twine and booster cables. People, keep in mind this is the same guy who once strung a bunch of pots and pans over his shoulders and went as Pots and Pans.

Okay listen, when somebody puts an amazing amount of time and effort into a kick-ass costume, that’s worth celebrating. Nobody here denies that. All we’re saying today is if you manage to scramble around your house at the last minute and get us all laughing with your hilariously creative costume then that’s complete admirable.

It’s simply commendable.

It’s downright respectable.

And we all know it’s just totally

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, here, and here

Finger-picking the sticky congealed remains off the top of the plastic glue lid sounds like no fun, but come on: it’s relatively clean and easy, satisfies some obsessive-compulsive instincts, and gives us all some smoooooooooth streaming for the rest of crafts day.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

I’m the Robin Hood of batteries.

Since I am an extremely cheap person I always rob from the rich, battery-filled remotes on my couch and give to the poor new gadgets laying on my counter. I stumble around Sherwood Living Room, clicking open plastic battery doors, hunting for dependable double-As to get the job done.

Of course, this battery robbery always backfires next time I sit down to watch a flick. I plop onto the couch and pick up the lighter-than-usual remote and then curse my former self for screwing my current self. Then the camera pans to another scene of me stumbling around again, this time battery-jacking the poor so I can feed the rich.

It’s a terrible, neverending cycle.

That’s what makes it special when batteries are included. That’s what makes it special when when you yank open the new Baby Farts-So-Real and there’s a small, plastic-wrapped case of cheapo batteries from the Taiwanese black market sitting in the box.

Sure, sure, maybe those knockoff Ultra-Power or Extra-V Vvoltage batteries don’t inspire the most confidence, but whatever man, because surprise batteries are a big win every time.

It’s like the company is saying “Come on, let’s get going, people.”

“First round’s on us.”

AWESOME!

Photos from: here

Sure, there may be a few tense minutes while the little rascal gets trapped between the sliding doors, but if you’re patient he’ll eventually find his way outside and you can rest feeling a little less murderery.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Forget picnic tables, plastic chairs, and patio sets. No, we’re talking about the real deal.

We’re talking about moving furniture from inside your pad to outside of it, and busting the shackles of climate control in favor of fresh air and a rocking good time.

Feel these beats:

1. Porch Couch. Sure, your worn out duct-tape-and-corduroy sofa is out in the elements, but now you get a comfy chill-out spot to watch the world go by. Porch couches are perfect for chilling after class at college, handing out Halloween candy, or taking your late night neighborhood watch shift.

2. Tailgate party. Man, have you seen some of these setups? I’m just an amateur, but sometimes we’re talking about the entire living room being transplanted onto the gravel parking lot outside the stadium. Pops balances the big screen in the pickup truck cab while Junior lays a rug down by the barbecue. It’s time for grilling.

3. Backyard Birthday. Wobbly folding chair legs sink into the grass while basement card tables are wiped off and covered in plastic tablecloths for their annual cameo as Punch Bowl Station or Place We’re Cutting The Cake Later.

People, when you move indoor furniture outdoors you’re spreading the party all over the place. Chill out, relax, and put your feet up on the cooler, because it’s sunny out and it’s time to enjoy the moment.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Full boxes of granola bars, fresh mix tapes, and the heady thrill of anticipation get your body ready for a nice long ride.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here

Faces float and fly through our brains.

Kicking pebbles, wearing backpacks, laughing about the school day, your friends flicker past you with red cheeks and windswept hair on cool and crisp walks home.

Silverware clinking, gravy boats dripping, your family sits in thick holiday sweaters under a sparkly chandelier amongst half-filled wine glasses and steamy bowls of brussel sprouts.

Furnace quietly clicking, clock slowly ticking, your boyfriend lies beside you on the patchy corduroy couch in the dark unfinished basement, smiling between kisses and laughs, sharing a moment in a memory.

Somebody’s thinking about you right now, too.

Give them a call.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here

Dusty sunbeams streak through the window while you lay on the couch in a blissful half-asleep cocoon. Sometimes during this hazy daze a little voice in your brain politely asks that the TV be turned down or shut right off.

In moments like this there’s something satisfying about keeping as much of your body completely relaxed and perfectly still as possible while awkwardly grabbing the remote with your foot, a rolled up newspaper, or another remote that just happens to be closer.

After you stab at it and coax it across the carpet, you do the deed and let a little smile curl on your face as you fade deeper and deeper into your comfy afternoon nap.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here and here

Haircuts are stressful.

Come on, there are at least 3 Major Worries when you go get your lid trimmed:

1. Disappearing Choppers. Have you ever gone to your regular place and found your go-to person suddenly missing? Brother, that’s a bombshell. Plus, the gang left over can be pretty tight-lipped on details, too. No forwarding address, no new business cards, nothing. They just vanished and left only a few combs floating in the Barbicide for clues. Yes, now it’s time to step into the chair with The New Guy and grit your teeth, grab the handlebars, and brace yourself for a rickety journey down a dark mineshaft tunnel of horror. As the lights dim and you close your eyes, you hear the electric razor firing up in the distance…

2. Doing A New Do. Asking the stylist to try something new is pretty high up there on the Greatest Fears Of All Time List. It’s jussssst above three-hour root canal and jussssst below getting a snake thrown on you when you’re sleeping.

3. Getting One-Upped. This is where you’re getting your haircut and one of your barber’s more loyal customers walks in the door. You can tell this new guy is a somebody because they immediately start dominating the conversation while you become the third wheel and your barber goes superspeed and starts cutting corners. Sure, this doesn’t happen too often, but if you’ve ever been one-upped you know what I’m talking about.

Folks, if you’re nodding, you know the stress of getting a haircut. As the stylist peels the nylon apron off of your neck and brushes hair shards off your neck and onto your back, you cautiously check the mirror and scope the new you. Sometimes you strut confidently out of the salon like you’re in a slow-mo shampoo commercial, but other times you squint at yourself and frown slightly while cartoony question marks pop above your head like bubbles.

On days when you have doubts, that little “Hey, nice haircut” compliment can do wonders for your self-esteem. Because, come on, we’re all self-conscious about those little patches of scraggly knots up there. Most of us don’t know what’s going on with our hair so we just sort of grin and bear it for most of our lives.

That’s what makes haircut compliments so sweet.

Thanks for saying something.

AWESOME!

Photos from: here, here, and here

Welcome to the world, remote control. We’re happy to have you with us, laptop monitor. You’re free, cellphone.

AWESOME!

Photo from: here